Fifty Shades of Grey

* Last year I Read Fifty Shades of Grey, by E.L James. You may be wondering why I am just posting this now, but the truth is that I wrote two reviews right after I read each one. This one I originally posted on June 28th 2012. I posted them on another blog and am now moving them to this one, I feel that this is as good a time as any to re-post them, so here you are, the untouched review of one year ago.*


 Recently I have been reading Fifty Shades of Grey, by E.L James. This book sold 1 million copies in the first  11 weeks making it the fastest selling book of all time. The sex-filled novel first came to my attention wile watching a post by a beloved YouTube vlogger- Itsjudyslife. Upon hearing it was some serious erotica I just had to read it. And being no stranger to erotica I knew that if so many millions of women loved this book then it MUST be a really good work of literary fiction, after all it has been on the New York Times best seller list at #1 for 17 weeks thus far, followed by it's trilogy siblings at the #2 and #3 spots for 16 weeks each. And so, knowing nothing about the books I went and Bought the first installment.

Well be prepared for a shocker! I was WRONG! This book, IMHO, is ridiculous. This is not hard core erotica, in my opinion it is soft. Women around the world quoted as saying that their "vibrators have run out" and their "vaginas hurt" well these women must be very easy to please because this book did not alter the rate of my heart beat once. I Disliked this book alot. It is very clear that the Author is a first time writer. I find that her writing style is juvenile and untalented. Yes, I said that. Her over use of "smart" words that most people reading her books won't know, suggests that she has a lack of self esteem and she's trying  WAY to hard to sound intelligent; IMHO Most people reading her book would have to do so with a dictionary beside them so that they can continue to look up all the ridiculous words she's thrown in there in her attempt to show her "word knowledge". It's like she went through the dictionary and attempted to find ridiculous and unneeded words that many north Americans didn't learn in school.

The whole first book is about two things, 1) Ana trying to make up her mind about signing the damn contracts and 2) Ana falling in love with Christian. It is very obvious that the author knew she'd make more $money$  by dragging the whole story out. Indeed she could have just had the characters sign the stupid contracts and get on with the story; Instead E.L James has decided to bore us to death by unnecessarily dragging the whole process out.

One of the things that I find so dis-likable about this book is Ana' apparent ability to orgasm on command. I don't know about you but I'm pretty sure the majority of us women didn't orgasm at all when we lost our virginity, let alone had MULTIPLE- orgasms, and I am sure there are some pretty amazing Cosmo magazines and The Doctors episodes that all focus on how to make sex better for women, given that most women DON'T orgasm during penetrative sex, and especially not without clitoral stimulation; Yet here Ana is, a newly deflowered girl who can cum and orgasm whenever she pleases. E.L James must either be a sex genius or has not had sex in years and so has forgotten that her clitoris is  located outside of her body and not inside her.

Of course I understand that this is all fantasy, Yes all women would love to be able to have sex for days on end without being sore, we'd all love to orgasm our first time and every time, and so on, although the author of this book could have made it a little realistic. And don't even get me started on the characters, how poorly developed they are. They seem flat, dull, boring. If that makes sense. Christian could be any blond guy on the street. What does his face look like? does he have a strong jaw, a cleft chin, a receding hairline? how tall is he, does he have a strong nose, or a character bump? And Ana, just what is her hair color? and is it curly, wavy, straight? how about eye color and height, and this is erotica people what is her cup size? And why, oh why does she only ever think holy shit when she's having sex and she only ever says Christians name.

Come On E.L James I want some verbal narrative here! what are they moaning to each other? how come they never scream out some deities name, or scream during the sex scenes? and why does Christian keep calling her baby? He's an emotionally screwed up rich playboy with no romantic desires! Stop with all the baby this and baby that! It ruins my desire to read the book. It's squishy and weird. From Elliot, no, from Christian, yes, it's weird and out of place. It's a turn off when they are supposed to be having hot sex and he suddenly say's "come for me baby." Ugh! GET SOME IMAGINATION E.L JAMES!


However, even though I dis-liked the book and the authors writing and really just the author in general, I will probably-maybe still read the other 2 books of this trilogy. Why?! you may be wondering, well because if there's one thing I cannot stand, it's starting a story and not finishing it. I've only ever given up on three books, and two of them I still intend on finishing at some point. weather or not I will buy the books is another question, indeed, if i can find them at the library I will just borrow them from there as I refuse to give my money to a woman who's writing lacks talent and obviously is only dragging this story out to make more money, I mean really, she could have been less obvious about it! In fact I may donate the copy I bought to the library, that is if they even want an erotic novels section? Hmm. 

I do not recommend buying this book, well, at least not at full price. If you are new to erotica then read this book, however if you, like me, are no stranger to it, then reading this book will be a waste of your time. And if you prefer reading books whose author has talent then stay far away, even Anne Rice does a better (non-vampire!) erotica than this woman.

* on a side note I DO find the basic story intriguing, a young girl and an emotionally unavailable man (Although very typical) trying to work through the collective bullshit and figure out what their relationship is and where it will go. so although this review has shredded this book and the author for the most part, a small part of me does like the story, after who doesn't like romance?





 As always, Comment, Subscribe, enjoy!

xoxo, RainSmurf